Saturday 6.00 p.m.
I've got most of my packing done. The problem has been that I've never been away from here for three months before. How long does a bar of soap last? I'd been puzzling this out and decided to leave it at two bars when I re-read the emails. They provide the soap. Anyway, I remember from visiting the Samye Ling that most of the stuff you take with you is completely unused. But there is an anxiety.
I don't know what kind of retreat place this will be. I assume that I may have to come home at some point, but the Domestic Bliss isn't expecting me. I told the kiddo that her maw was a bit unwell and I would have to wait and see .... and that's given short shift as well. So it looks like the two folk I thought ... anyway, off you go, they say, and don't come back for three months. I was a bit concerned about the Domestic Bliss, but her disease seems to be receding.
Today I finally stopped to strangle the Nicotine Dragon. Despite smoking practically every day since the start of September, stopping today wasn't too bad. The physical withdrawal I can handle. It's the horrible thoughts!!! But there weren't any today. So the first days on the island will not be too bad from the nicotine anyway.
I just checked and I started doing these blogs on February 2005. Brian Wilson told me to start a blog to help me find a literary agent. God, there's been a lot of water under the bridge since 2005. Of course, I'll have to take a break in a couple of days.
Saturday 29 December 2012
Tuesday 25 December 2012
Christmas Day
Christmas Day 1.55 p.m.
I'm having a great Christmas! Nothing has happened yet.
I was feeling a little delicate this morning, but as soon as I closed my eyes for the first meditation, I knew things had progressed. Profound was the bliss! And it had developed a little so that I thought I really need to do a retreat because I think you could sit for a long, long time in bliss like that. You drink and you smoke and it doesn't really seem to matter so much, apart from it stopping you meditating properly and making you feel like crap. But it is a wonderment, so it is, Jack.
I'm having a great Christmas! Nothing has happened yet.
I was feeling a little delicate this morning, but as soon as I closed my eyes for the first meditation, I knew things had progressed. Profound was the bliss! And it had developed a little so that I thought I really need to do a retreat because I think you could sit for a long, long time in bliss like that. You drink and you smoke and it doesn't really seem to matter so much, apart from it stopping you meditating properly and making you feel like crap. But it is a wonderment, so it is, Jack.
Monday 24 December 2012
Barbituates for Christmas!
Christmas Eve 10.43 a.m.
I used to dread these holidays from about August, so things aren't as bad as they used to be. These holidays are when I have to give up doing anything I enjoy and am forced to do things that I know I will not enjoy, which is why I have been usually dreading them for months.
Last year I had the perfect Christmas. I managed to be on my own and had a wonderful day! I ate fresh bread and made a nice pot of soup. Sometimes I felt like singing.
We're having Christmas in the flat for the first time ever this year. This might be a good time to get carted off to the looney bin. I wish there was a heater in my hut. And a camp bed.
I can't stop thinking about the Holy Isle and what it might be like going there. It's going to be pure hell if I haven't wrestled the Nicotine Dragon to the ground beforehand, at least for the first week. My latest plan is to start it off the day after Boxing Day. I should be able to say to folk that I'm going to the Holy Isle on the third and why don't they leave me the fung alone. A three day fast. That would be perfect. No New Year. Stay in. Tell the flatheids to fung off.
'You're caught in a vicious circle, surrounded by your so called friends'. The inimitable Lou.
I used to dread these holidays from about August, so things aren't as bad as they used to be. These holidays are when I have to give up doing anything I enjoy and am forced to do things that I know I will not enjoy, which is why I have been usually dreading them for months.
Last year I had the perfect Christmas. I managed to be on my own and had a wonderful day! I ate fresh bread and made a nice pot of soup. Sometimes I felt like singing.
We're having Christmas in the flat for the first time ever this year. This might be a good time to get carted off to the looney bin. I wish there was a heater in my hut. And a camp bed.
I can't stop thinking about the Holy Isle and what it might be like going there. It's going to be pure hell if I haven't wrestled the Nicotine Dragon to the ground beforehand, at least for the first week. My latest plan is to start it off the day after Boxing Day. I should be able to say to folk that I'm going to the Holy Isle on the third and why don't they leave me the fung alone. A three day fast. That would be perfect. No New Year. Stay in. Tell the flatheids to fung off.
'You're caught in a vicious circle, surrounded by your so called friends'. The inimitable Lou.
Tuesday 11 December 2012
Another Funeral
Tuesday 2.25 p.m.
I went to the funeral of a very nice man today, the best friend of my brother in law. He was only fifty. Handed the black spot in February. The best memory I have of this guy was having a chin wag with him about faith. He was a devout Catholic.
Of course, in the Disbelieving Congregation me and the spam robot are not interested in having faith in anything. We believe in less things than anyone we know. We believe in disbelieving things. Or in ignorance. Or in the illusory nature of reality.
But I have no problem with people being religious and having faith as long as their religion makes them better people. I'm sure having a strong catholic faith was a big help to the boy when he was handed the black spot, and afterwards.
From The Autobiography of a Yogi, it seems that yogis think that God is knowable, so you don't need faith. What you need is to get God realisation.
I'm very suspicious of faith, but I'm embarrassed by devotion. A lot of hindus are into this Divine Mother stuff and grovelling away there devotedly, and I don't like that. It's not a path that suits my disposition.
Buddhists don't talk about God, and they don't have a creator, but they talk about Mind. In English it's translated as Mind anyway. If you get rid of the deus ex machina aspect and the creator bit, God and Mind don't seem to be very different. Each is without qualification or defining characteristics. And some people talk about Self realisation. This isn't any different from God Realisation.
I haven't had anything like the religious experiences of Paramahansa Yogananda, but I have seen a higher self. This is not to say that I believe in it. And I'm not saying it's there. I saying I've seen it, that's all. This is nothing like as good as having a strong faith in God. When I was a kid, I had a very strong belief in God and that was much better.
When Yogananda got God realisation, he didn't know that's what it was. I think he was expecting to see somebody.
I went to the funeral of a very nice man today, the best friend of my brother in law. He was only fifty. Handed the black spot in February. The best memory I have of this guy was having a chin wag with him about faith. He was a devout Catholic.
Of course, in the Disbelieving Congregation me and the spam robot are not interested in having faith in anything. We believe in less things than anyone we know. We believe in disbelieving things. Or in ignorance. Or in the illusory nature of reality.
But I have no problem with people being religious and having faith as long as their religion makes them better people. I'm sure having a strong catholic faith was a big help to the boy when he was handed the black spot, and afterwards.
From The Autobiography of a Yogi, it seems that yogis think that God is knowable, so you don't need faith. What you need is to get God realisation.
I'm very suspicious of faith, but I'm embarrassed by devotion. A lot of hindus are into this Divine Mother stuff and grovelling away there devotedly, and I don't like that. It's not a path that suits my disposition.
Buddhists don't talk about God, and they don't have a creator, but they talk about Mind. In English it's translated as Mind anyway. If you get rid of the deus ex machina aspect and the creator bit, God and Mind don't seem to be very different. Each is without qualification or defining characteristics. And some people talk about Self realisation. This isn't any different from God Realisation.
I haven't had anything like the religious experiences of Paramahansa Yogananda, but I have seen a higher self. This is not to say that I believe in it. And I'm not saying it's there. I saying I've seen it, that's all. This is nothing like as good as having a strong faith in God. When I was a kid, I had a very strong belief in God and that was much better.
When Yogananda got God realisation, he didn't know that's what it was. I think he was expecting to see somebody.
Sunday 9 December 2012
Some books
Sunday 10.11 p.m.
After the various sifting and liftings and moving the books around the flat for the last two or three years, I ended up with four books. The ones to save. I took them partly because I would like to be more normal and read a book.
Leon Trotsky, 1905.
When I was mentioning all the smart jewish people, I forgot Trotsky. I read almost everything I could by Trotsky is my early twenties. Apart from having more brains than anyone deserves, he could write brilliantly. I have read this book before, but it was nearly forty years ago and can't remember a bloody thing about it. So I kept that one.
Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil.
I must have bought this decades ago and I don't think I've read it.
AJP Taylor. English History 1914-1945.
I've read a lot of books by this author, but a long time ago. All I know is that he was especially good at writing history and I'll have a go at that one again sometime.
Wilhelm Reich. The Mass Psychology of Fascism.
I wrote two quotes from this book on my wall, but never finished it. It is the worst translation of anything I've ever read. One of the quotes on my wall isn't even in English: "The guilt experienced from playing with one's sexual organs stands at the top of the lists of forbidden deeds.". I will re-read that sometime. It's a very interesting book because Marxists had a problem with why the collapse of capitalism lead to Hitler and not the dictatorship of the proletariat. Reich, I think, said it was all down to the marching up and down ... def, dight, def, dight ... and not getting your rocks off properly. I'll read that again sometime. It was an interesting challenge to orthodox Marxism from a marxist, but a psychologist. I'll read that book to the end sometime.
After the various sifting and liftings and moving the books around the flat for the last two or three years, I ended up with four books. The ones to save. I took them partly because I would like to be more normal and read a book.
Leon Trotsky, 1905.
When I was mentioning all the smart jewish people, I forgot Trotsky. I read almost everything I could by Trotsky is my early twenties. Apart from having more brains than anyone deserves, he could write brilliantly. I have read this book before, but it was nearly forty years ago and can't remember a bloody thing about it. So I kept that one.
Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil.
I must have bought this decades ago and I don't think I've read it.
AJP Taylor. English History 1914-1945.
I've read a lot of books by this author, but a long time ago. All I know is that he was especially good at writing history and I'll have a go at that one again sometime.
Wilhelm Reich. The Mass Psychology of Fascism.
I wrote two quotes from this book on my wall, but never finished it. It is the worst translation of anything I've ever read. One of the quotes on my wall isn't even in English: "The guilt experienced from playing with one's sexual organs stands at the top of the lists of forbidden deeds.". I will re-read that sometime. It's a very interesting book because Marxists had a problem with why the collapse of capitalism lead to Hitler and not the dictatorship of the proletariat. Reich, I think, said it was all down to the marching up and down ... def, dight, def, dight ... and not getting your rocks off properly. I'll read that again sometime. It was an interesting challenge to orthodox Marxism from a marxist, but a psychologist. I'll read that book to the end sometime.
Friday 7 December 2012
Not Going on Retreat
Friday 10.21 a.m.
Whilst waiting for the white van man to deliver some furniture.
I've been thinking a lot about the Holy Isle retreat, not surprisingly! I've been trying to make life as quiet as possible so that when I go away it won't make much difference. Also, since I saw the lama, my weight is down to eleven stone and I'm not even drinking once a week. I'm really getting quite fit with all the prostrations and shadow boxing and all.
It never does to anticipate things too much. I'm not the only one around here and the other one if off her work just down with a condition turning a bit chronic right now. It's not the black spot getting handed out, but if it doesn't clear up before the start of January ....
But there have been a lot of black spots handed out recently. I expect to be going to a funeral this Tuesday. It's like the Somme out there, so it is! My advice to anyone who gets handed the black spot is to do what Albert did. He died years ago, but it didn't stop him getting around. You could also consider the folk who haven't been given the black spot. Look at Brian Wilson. I think he should get a dog because he's going to start trying to bite the men digging up the road and then they'll put him away.
So much for the flatheids, Jack. Still funged, eh, Hotboy? Well, if they'd started meditating when they started reading this blog they'd be doing the bliss by this time!!
I think I may not need to go to the Holy Isle. It would be wonderful if I could go there, but if I can't, I can do it here. Every day sees developments in the bliss. A breathless state becomes easier to imagine.
Whilst waiting for the white van man to deliver some furniture.
I've been thinking a lot about the Holy Isle retreat, not surprisingly! I've been trying to make life as quiet as possible so that when I go away it won't make much difference. Also, since I saw the lama, my weight is down to eleven stone and I'm not even drinking once a week. I'm really getting quite fit with all the prostrations and shadow boxing and all.
It never does to anticipate things too much. I'm not the only one around here and the other one if off her work just down with a condition turning a bit chronic right now. It's not the black spot getting handed out, but if it doesn't clear up before the start of January ....
But there have been a lot of black spots handed out recently. I expect to be going to a funeral this Tuesday. It's like the Somme out there, so it is! My advice to anyone who gets handed the black spot is to do what Albert did. He died years ago, but it didn't stop him getting around. You could also consider the folk who haven't been given the black spot. Look at Brian Wilson. I think he should get a dog because he's going to start trying to bite the men digging up the road and then they'll put him away.
So much for the flatheids, Jack. Still funged, eh, Hotboy? Well, if they'd started meditating when they started reading this blog they'd be doing the bliss by this time!!
I think I may not need to go to the Holy Isle. It would be wonderful if I could go there, but if I can't, I can do it here. Every day sees developments in the bliss. A breathless state becomes easier to imagine.
Wednesday 5 December 2012
In the war against the machines. Part 4
Wednesday 7.30 p.m.
I went out for my constitutional this afternoon, heading for the Botties in the bright, cold, wintery light, my camera with the new rechargeable batteries at hand. I skipped along then stopped to take a photie of a line of trees in Inverleith Park. Unfortunately, I could not take the photie as the camera said Low Battery despite the new batteries it got. That's what it said with the other batteries. Low Battery. Could it be that they sell rechargeable batteries without a charge in them? Could it be that they don't sell you a battery at all, but an empty battery which you have to fill yourself? Anyway, it only cost me about fifty quid for the battery recharger thing and I will attempt to use it sometime and see if it works.
This all started because somebody bought me a mobile phone a few years ago and I said it was the last bloody thing I wanted and someone else said I could put photies onto my blog with it when I found a cable ....
I cannot adequately express how much I hate footering with these toys. I do not think it is wonderful how complicated these things can be and how many functions one of these gizmos can have. ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS POINT AND CLICK!!!
You know, Jack, I've got better things to do. It is much better just to sit still and do the bliss.
I went out for my constitutional this afternoon, heading for the Botties in the bright, cold, wintery light, my camera with the new rechargeable batteries at hand. I skipped along then stopped to take a photie of a line of trees in Inverleith Park. Unfortunately, I could not take the photie as the camera said Low Battery despite the new batteries it got. That's what it said with the other batteries. Low Battery. Could it be that they sell rechargeable batteries without a charge in them? Could it be that they don't sell you a battery at all, but an empty battery which you have to fill yourself? Anyway, it only cost me about fifty quid for the battery recharger thing and I will attempt to use it sometime and see if it works.
This all started because somebody bought me a mobile phone a few years ago and I said it was the last bloody thing I wanted and someone else said I could put photies onto my blog with it when I found a cable ....
I cannot adequately express how much I hate footering with these toys. I do not think it is wonderful how complicated these things can be and how many functions one of these gizmos can have. ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS POINT AND CLICK!!!
You know, Jack, I've got better things to do. It is much better just to sit still and do the bliss.
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