Another day, another dollar!

Monday 8:45 p.m.
                            Meditated a lot today and stopped around eight. Now, for the home brew!
                            I have to stop trying so hard and be more reasonable and normal, and stop feeling as if moi is getting frustrated all the time.
                            The cute decorator was in today. I saw her once since I was hiding in my never to be decorated room. Before I saw her, I decided she wasn't cute at all. It's your imagination. Then I did see her and she was dead cute. She wears a pink jumper. What kind of decorator wears a pink jumper? A cute one. There was once a time when every female under thirty started to look very nice indeed. These days maybe you just need not to use a zimmer.
                            After two hard days meditating, today I was supposed to settle down and just do it and be there. Hmmm? I think I should start writing again. This did occur to me quite strongly today. Of course, it's a while since I was a writer and I will have to try to remember how you go about that again.
                            Where do they get their ideas from, Jack? Who? Writers. Well, Hotboy, when you were a writer, where did you get your ideas from? Nowhere. Nothing.
                             There's been nothing new since Sophocles anyway. Who can claim to have had an original thought?
                              Once, when I was between writing things, I had to pause and ask myself before beginning a new project ... how many dwarves? Will we have dwarves or not? I felt most comfortable when I was writing books about meditating and such like since that felt sort of integrated. Like, I was meditating and writing about it. But I've nothing in that regard I want to write about just now and ... the best thing is to write a script. When I was trying to be writer, I used to be able to write scripts when I didn't have much time. In those days I didn't think you could write novels in less than four hours typing time a day. Hmmm? But I'll have to learn all that again since I haven't been a writer for ages now.
                            I can't remember how to punctuate anymore. This learning to be a writer and write again might be quite stimulating.
                            I always think of going back to writing when the meditations have had a dip of some sort. Maybe it's a matter of control. I can't seem to be able to control my time anymore. I was so German once. Metropolis. Metronome man. Counting out the slices of time. Now time is sliced off like a loss and is something I seem to have lost control of.
                            I have all the fences to jump in the world concerning the juju, but I don't know what they are. I am not in control of the bliss. You try to meditate and stuff happens. I'm not even sure I'm meditating anymore. It was so simple when you picked a sound and just concentrated on that, and such wonderful results were appertaining, but we're not in Kansas anymore, Jack, and who knows where the fung this is going. I certainly don't.
                           But I do have confidence in the short path. When I read the biography of Milarepa, I did not disbelieve any of it. When it talked about the boy flying through the air, or being in different places at the one time, this didn't phase me. I have confidence in the short path. Unfortunately, I can't do the short path because .... well, whatever because. I can't do it.
                           The lama says: Sometimes you've just got to sit there. It's not all firecracker stuff. It's back to the beginning when you first try to learn how to meditate. Sometimes you've just got to sit there.
                           How am I ever going to be able to get up to the point where I'm just sitting for days and days and days?
                           Instead of being able to do that, writing scripts (which no one wants!) would seem pretty stupid, but at least you have some control over that sort of thing.