The altruistic intention!

Friday 10:40 p.m.
                          The three or four folk who land on this bloggy might have noticed by the last two alky posts that I've been having a wee bit of trouble with developing the altruistic intention recently.
                           It's hard not to think that the mother in law has five children, and I'm not one of them, and that I do not know how long I have to live, and I've got things to do, and are they just taking the piss letting me sit with her when I could be organising a few weeks in Kopan monastery in Katmandu while they seem to be able to organise holidays whenever they like, and their mother going doolally has had almost no impact on their lives, apart from the hand wringing, and even then, not much of that. The auld maw is right in her assessment of these people: if you're soft, they'll walk all over you.
                           I thought they might be on holiday this week since almost everyone else is, and that, along with telling the Domestic Bliss that I was cutting the days down from going there on Wednesday to going there on Thursday - no strain there, just spending one night and two days out of my week in Lanarkshire - well, I could go down to the Samye Ling between Christmas and New Year. But no, they're only getting public holidays. Then the Domestic Bliss, who goes there on a Friday night, tells me on the phone that her old dear seemed befuddled and all when I left her clear as a bell, and whatnot. Anyway, I'll have to stop moaning about it and pitch up there again on Wednesday this week.
                        Is it killing you, Hotboy? It feels as if it is, Jack. It feels as if I'm nailed to the door and cannot get off, that my life is no longer my own and that I cannot make decisions for myself, that I am skewered by being involved with these evil bourgeois basturns at all.
                        Milarepa was told by Marpa to build a tower in a certain shape, and once he'd done this, Marpa told him to tear it down and build another one of a different shape. Of course, you will not have read the Life of Milarepa, one of the greatest books ever written, but there it is. This juju is not for sweetie eaters!!! The path is hard and long and may take eons.
                       The Abbot of the Samye Ling in one of his discourses was saying that some yogis seem a little mad. When they don't like you, they just say so. This is not polite. Some people think they are a bit soft in the head, but when they die, well, there they are sitting in samadhi for days and days.
                        Liberation through samadhi is what the Dalai Lama said to me on one very weird dream I had a long time ago. Just blackness and his head moving from left to right saying that.
                        Anyway, the evil bourgeois are all going to hell!! I'm going to Waitrose tomorrow to see if they have any Erdinger there, and then on Christmas Day I will try to think about sobering up. It's nearly six weeks since I gave up the soapbar. Now for the alcohol. Very hard to imagine being in Newmains at night and not drinking, or smoking.
                         So everything when you don't meditate is crap. The flat's crap. Going to Newmains is crap. Learning to drink Americanos in Costas is crap. Not being in control of your life is crap. When you are not meditating, everything you see is crap.
                         But tonight, though I was tired out from the living out of a bag and drinking myself to death and all the travelling to and forth, I sat down in here and started meditating. Watching the clock, having difficulty settling - this is the worst thing going to Newmains has done. If I wasn't going there, I could just sit for an hour and a half every time no bother - and then I lay down in the bed. The bliss from yoga nidra is so wonderful and reassuring. Then I sat up again and the candle was lit and I was facing my wall with all the gurus, and I had the bestest meditation ever. It's the end of the beginning with the raising of inner heat. I cannot describe it and I cannot explain it, but it was wonderful to witness it. This is ra bliss!! This is ra bliss!! This is ra bliss! Oh, what a fortunate creature I am, I am! What a fortunate creature I am!!