The Object to be Negated in the Object!

Monday 12:30 p.m.
                              Being unable to locate the object to be negated in the self is a bummer. I know I haven't lost my false sense of self, so it's in there somewhere. It's a bit tricky trying to negate something you can't quite put your finger on.
                              Sometimes you might be sitting in tons of bliss and not thinking very much at all. Is the thing doing the observing of this the false sense of self? I don't think it can be. When you're not thinking very much and just kind of observing the bliss, there's not much mental activity really, a wee bit like deep sleep, and there's no false sense of self there.
                              Say you are sitting in the bliss though and a little thought appears, such as, "I will fung murder that basturn!" This might be a thought that occurs once every twenty thoughts or so when you are having problems with someone at your jobbie, say. An intrusive thought.
                              There is a lot of  (false sense of) self in that thought!! It's on its back legs and getting its dooks up. But how do you not have that thought? Once you're thinking it, you're thinking it already and you've already missed the boat! If you were very, very mentally calm, of course, you might be able to see that thought coming, but you're only ever going to be that calm in a retreat situation, at least as far as I'm concerned.
                               Sometimes I think I'm never going to get this buddhisty business to work. The Theravadins don't think you can become a buddha in this age and, as far as I'm concerned, they seem to be dead right. The Theravadins don't go much further than dealing with this phenomenal "I" thing, and you can see why.
                               It looks to me that massive amounts of mental purification is required here!
                               Of course, once you've sorted out your false sense of self in yourself, you can look outside at the world around you. Nothing is permanent; everything changes; there is no inherent, unchanging essence in anything. Though it doesn't look like that, it's obviously so. So I don't really have to problem with the object to be negated in the object ... until I really start to think about it.
                                After that, you're supposed to consider mind. It's supposed to be like space in that it allows everything to appear in it. It's supposed to have some kind of awareness, I think. There's another characteristic which I can't remember just now. Anyway, you can't find mind. It's a bit like trying to point to something that happened before the Big Bang, before there was any time or space or anything at all.
                                 You are supposed to keep all this insight stuff up until you realise that there are no sentient beings. What? Well, I think its talking about ultimate and not conventional reality, but if there are no sentient beings why am I trying to become enlightened for the sake of sentient beings, and what do all these flatheids think they're playing at?
                                 I don't think I've got enough smarts to deal with this insight stuff! I know that some folk are supposed to become enlightened in a flash, but I think  I'll have to settle for a gradual improvement in how I think my thoughts.
                                  I had a dream once where the Dalai Lama told me I'd gain liberation through samadhi. Of course, it was only a dream and these are not very reliable, are they? Still.
                                  If the flatheids were having a good time, I might try to pack all this stuff in. Unfortunately, the flatheids are completely funged!