Where I'm at right now?

Wednesday 8.30 a.m.
                                 I started reading The Union of Bliss and Emptiness, a Commentary on Guru Yoga Practice last night, and it's very good for me to read stuff like that occasionally because it reminds me of how much of a beginner in this juju I am. I would take fantastic effort and discipline to be able to do these visualisations and I doubt if I'll ever by anywhere near that stage, certainly not living the way I am now.
                                 I think I'm probably meditating less than when I was working! Most of the time at work I wasn't working, but staring at this or that  and trying to meditate in public, as it were.
                                 I'm miles off raising inner heat the way the proper practitioners can. I think they're talking about getting stuff that's really really hot moving up some central channel, melting drops, descending, etc. I was quite gung ho about tackling this two summers ago, and was determined about spending a lot of time in my hut having a go, but that's exactly what the rinpoche told me not to do. I've been doing some concentrating on symbols since then, but that's not been my main practice. The rinpoche knows more about meditation than anyone in the western hemisphere anyway and if he tells you not to do something, well .... he's not your normal joe. I can't even imagine what his mind is like.
                                 However, I am getting tons of bliss! And I'm getting the kind of heat he said I should expect, which is the stuff that naturally occurs from meditation eventually. And the effects of vase breathing are amazing, but I'm not hammering that kind of thing. I think I should be doing more meditations with my eyes open and doing placement meditations on emptiness, and I'm doing much more of that, especially after re-reading the last mahamudra book.
                                  I'll be down at the Samye Ling near the start of May. I thought I should see the rinpoche when I stopped work, but the free time I was hoping for didn't happen. They're doing a big gong bashing thing on the weekend I'm down there so there probably wouldn't be an opportunity to see the rinpoche even if I wanted to. I'm sure he'd just tell me to do what he told me to do the last time, two years ago now almost. So I guess it's just a case of marching on, trying to moderate my behaviour, and meditating like hell!
                                  It's going to be a great day today!!